What's it like being me?

The character Johnny in Mike Leigh's excellent film 'Naked' asks a character the question :  'what's it like being you?'


Good question.  What's it like being you?  Being me is like being marmite - I polarise opinion.  And I'm delicious spread thinly on toast.


I don't do anything to polarise opinion, I think it's a transgender thing.  There are people who genuinely don't seem to give a flying one way or the other, but then there are a lot of other people who are either rabidly for or rabidly against my cause.


Some people offer me support which bewilders me in its depth and feeling - I am awestruck by the love some people (well, other women in the main) pour out to me even though they don't necessarily know me very well.


I think it's because I seem to be honest to them, because I am revealing something intimate about myself just by living.  So they feel they know me - which is wonderful.   Also I think a lot of women are sympathetic to the trans cause because, well, being a woman gets looked down on by a lot of men doesn't it, and here in front of them is a person who seems to be male and wishes with all 'his' heart to be a female.  I wonder?


And they just believe in me I suppose.  They believe that I am ultimately a girl - practically speaking, because the inability to live as a male means that I have to be female.  At least ipso facto.  And they use their imagination to see what it must be like to be a female who appears to be male - and they feel...well... sorry for me.


Then there's being brave.  I probably seem brave.  Although being trans doesn't really require bravery - it's more that a trans woman has to be brave, she hasn't got any choice.  So is that really brave at all? 


I don't think it makes sense to most people that I feel less embarrassed and scared when I am presenting myself as a female because that's what feels right inside - even though people may be staring and laughing at me.  You know?


Anyway - on the other side of course are the people who take against me.  They think I want attention - they are confusing WANTING attention with GETTING attention.  I get it, but I don't necessarily want it.  I like attention like 'hey jaye I love your earrings' - but don't we all like that?


I don't like attention like 'YOU FUCKING QUEER!'   -  I think I could get attention in easier ways.


I think some people who take against me think I'm mad.  Going through a phase, in crisis.  They say things like 'you weren't like this before'.  They can't see the turmoil I was in - because it was hidden.  They couldn't see the panic attacks and the drinking and the rage, the smashing up the furniture and trembling with terror.  They just saw Jason and he seemed to be alright.  Whereas Jaye has problems everyone can see.  But they're smaller problems.


Some people are scared.  I can see the fear in their eyes.  Some people I think resent the fact that they don't know how to address me at first - having to think 'is this a man or a woman?' is an extra effort and an embarrassment and they get pissed off.


Well, surely if a 'male' is dressed in a female way and 'presents' themselves as a female  (not just clothes but walk, voice, demeanor) it would be best to err on the side of caution and say 'she' and 'her' or 'madam' or whatever.  I would hardly go out of my way to obviously look female because I want people to call me 'Sir' - now would I?


Unfortunately we have no polite way in our culture to say 'are you a male or a female?'  - that question is just rude.  In the future maybe it will have to not be.  I would rather be politely asked if I am trans than be called 'Sir'.


Then some people, at work for example, didn't like me using the ladies loo.  
I just wish they would talk to me about it instead of using the disabled loo - which some of them do because of me.


It's daft aint it?  Once you're in the cubicle what difference does it make?  I'm hardly going to lift the seat up and stand there weeing - I could anatomically do it but I'd rather piss myself!!   Seriously, I couldn't actually wee standing up anymore than any other woman  (although I understand some can, actually).


Also - at which point would it be acceptable for me to use the ladies loo?  If the objection is me being attached to a willie  (which is not anything to do with me) - then when would it be OK for me to not use the gents?   After genital reconstruction surgery - so probably in about ten years time??!   Till then I have to use the GENTS toilet?   Wouldn't that be cruel and embarrassing for the men as much as anything?


When I get my gender recognition certificate?  But I have to live 'in role' for two years first - and women tend to use the ladies loo don't they?!


So... rather long blog... issues... issues.   But if you're interested you've probably got a feel for what it is like being me.  Now - what's it like being you?