Surgery Blog...

Oooh - nasty picture eh?


So, yeah, this is the biggie :   GENDER RECONSTRUCTION SURGERY or SEX REASSIGNMENT SURGERY or THE CHOP...


It's a massive deal in the male to female transgender world of course and outside of it.  People generally - trans women and everyone else - regard it as the decisive thing, the ultimate moment of 'changing sex'.


There is a support group for patients at Charing Cross Hospital Gender Identity Clinic which I joined after my first appointment.  I got bored of it though as surgery was basically the only subject - how long will we have to wait, do you have to have permanent hair removal 'down there', what about post-operative healing, does it help if you go commando, how deep are you?  five inches?


For me surgery is such a distant prospect there's very little to gain by talking about it constantly.


There is an argument that surgery is actually a form of mutilation performed by a society which cannot tolerate a discrepancy between gender identity (what gender you feel yourself to be) and physical sex.


Actually there is no intolerance in the law - the gender recognition act (2004) means that you can be legally female in every respect without having had any physical treatment and without intending to.  


But there is a great expectation from people that you will be having surgery and they feel rather uncomfortable about seeing you as a woman unless they are reassured on that point.  True.


If you were unsure about surgery or didn't intend on having it at all, you would be well advised to tell people you definitely want it - if you want to guarantee their understanding and support.


Then again, some people say 'oh my god you're not going to do that are you?' - but they tend to be people who aren't that comfortable seeing you as female anyway.  People who want to see you as female and are happy to do so, often feel more 'at home' with it if your penis has definitely been sentenced to death...


So, that's them - what about me?


I used to be OK with my 'genital status' - but as I've grown to feel more, and indeed fully, female I've felt a stronger and stronger urge to get rid.  


The women on the surgery fan club site I spoke about earlier (I don't want to have a go at my own 'kind' here, I say this in a nice way) are I would suggest not taking surgery seriously enough if they use words like 'excited' about it.


Also, I feel some of them think that post-op people will treat them differently and they will feel totally different - and that men will be more interested in them.


I am wary about all that.  Even with a vagina neatly in place, I think most hetero men would have a problem with 'dating' a transwoman, unless they've got a thing about it.  Men with a thing about it is a whole different blog topic.  Tempting but dangerous...


So, surgery can have projected onto it a whole raft of expectations.  I think you should be realistic about it, that's all.


For me I am scared of it but I want to feel normal.  You know, if you've never felt normal in your life, it's very addictive when you find a way to feel it - you want more and more normal.  Don't give me that horseshit about there being no such thing as normal - it may be a nice truism but being a freak that people laugh at is no fucking fun at all.  Being 'normal' seems pretty good to me.


Another issue is how much discomfort I am in living the way I do live.  You can use your imagination - there's only one place for it all to go - that's right - I spend most of my time with the unwanted bits basically crushed.


Being normal, you see, looking normal.  It changes your perspective on discomfort.  To be able to wear clothes without worrying about it and not have all that problem is very tempting.


And on the flip side of feeling yourself to be totally female comes a complete rejection of those parts - you can hardly bear to touch them - certainly you wouldn't be able to stand anyone else touching them.  Sometimes I literally feel like I've got a weird object in my knickers.  It just doesn't seem to be part of me.  Not anymore.


So, yes, long blog this but I'm getting round to say... I DO want surgery, but I treat it with respect and I'm realistic about what might happen.


I might have my last orgasm before it - possibly I won't be able to afterwards (quite a lot of genetic women have the same problem after all).  I suppose I might die - although that is obviously a risk with any surgery.  There are all kinds of ways it might not work out.


It's a risk.  But if I'm going to spin that wheel I need to know everything about it first.


At the moment, as I say, it's a far distant thing.  First must come gender recognition certificate  (hopefully this summer) then hormone treatment (hopefully this year) and adams apple surgery  (tracheal shave - ooooh)...


I'd like to be sorted surgically and in every other way by the time I'm 40.  That may well not happen - the waiting list for surgery is immense.  There may also be a problem with me being underweight - or some other problem I can't imagine yet.


This isn't like having a tooth out you know...


I know I will have great support - I know Becca is behind me and I think my family and friends will be too.  I think I can do it.  With a bit of morphine.


Long before that the nasty bits will have become shrivelled and atrophied because of hormone treatment.... the fact that I view this prospect with delight must mean I am in some sense ready.


Ready to start waiting...   a very patient patient.