MEN !!!!!!

So, yeah, men.


The opposite sex.  Not opposite for me?  Not opposite for anyone - the sexes aren't opposite are they - not really?    Skin, hair, eyes, brains, arseholes, fingers, heart, lungs, spleen, legs, arms...    Not opposite.


Different yes.  Different from me.  Men are.


Just because I suffer from a strange medical condition whereby I seem to be like one of them on the outside, I'm actually not one of them at all.  That's how I see it.  


Or that's how I feel it, maybe.  


Jesus I'm not stupid - I know I'm physically male.  Totally physically male at the moment, seeing as I haven't started hormone treatment yet.  If you cut my brain open I don't suppose it would be any different from a 'man' (or a 'woman probably) - I think all that stuff about 'I've got a female brain' is horseshit really.


But the process of thought and feeling whereby I can know I'm physically male and yet also KNOW that I am not a man and that I should be a woman is utterly mysterious to me.  So strange.  I just know it.  And that's weird because I've never been certain about much before - maybe not about anything.


If someone calls me a 'man' they fucking kill me.  That's the truth of it.  It burns.


Me trying to be a man didn't work.  I was all broken.  I got through it by being drunk or thinking about being drunk. I was panicky, sick, anxious, scared and miserable all the time.


I remember an episode of Star Trek I watched when I was little in which Captain Kirk was kidnapped by a woman who swapped bodies with him (just googled it - it was called 'Turnabout Intruder')... 


At the end, when he swapped bodies back, I remember being completely bewildered by it.  Why would you ever want to go back, Captain Kirk, when you had made it?  When you were a girl?   I wouldn't go back.  I won't go back.


Anway, yeah, men.  Different and we love them.  I love them.  I think about them, I want them to kiss me on the cheek and say hello, I want to flirt, I want them to say 'you look nice jaye'.    But there's a fair bit of suspicion and they quite often call me 'mate'.


It's not unprecedented for men to call women 'mate'.  But I think, on the whole, I'd prefer 'love'.   Or maybe 'darlin'.


Why not - I am a member of the opposite sex after all.