Happy Blog

I know I seem to whine a lot so you probably think 'Christ, what's the point of this gender transition thing if all it does is make her so miserable?!'


No!  Believe me I am happy most of the time these days - sometimes frighteningly so.  I have dips and bad days... and sometimes I get frustrated because I could be 100% happy but then some arsehole does something less than perfect and I'm forced to be only 78.2%.  And sometimes I get frustrated with waiting for transition things to happen.


But!  I am joyful, really.  


All women will know the feeling of pulling a dress over their head in a changing room, loving how it looks and thinking 'yes, it fits - I'm going to buy it!'


Imagine that feeling if you thought such a thing could never happen - imagine if you thought you were cursed to be a boy forever but you really didn't want to be.  I tell you - it's pure, glittering joy when that dress fits and you feel fab in it.  Pure glittering joy.


You can't imagine the simple joy I feel just taking my tights off and seeing them crumpled up on the floor - I think 'yes!  MY tights!'...  I look at the bottom of my shoes when I take them off and I can see bits of grit on them and I think 'yes!  my shoes!  With scuffs from the street because I wore them today!'


Standing at the makeup counter... trying on shoes... buying a new handbag and throwing the old one in the bin...


Handbags!   I never had one - I never thought I could have one...  now I love my handbag, I have it with me always.  It's a joy to feel it on the crook of my arm - it's my dream to have a handbag... and my dream has come true.


Today I said to someone that I would love to go to their wedding party and I said I'll have to buy a new frock.  Me... going into a shop and buying a new frock... not horrible boy clothes but a gorgeous DRESS!!


I had to be an usher at a friend's wedding a couple of years ago - the last wedding of my life I attended as a male - I had to go to have a suit fitted and wear a suit and horrible cufflinks and boy shite.  It makes me feel sick.  It made me feel sick - it was one of the things that meant I had to change.


I had to let it happen - I had to change - couldn't stay all my life down at heel - looking out of the window - staying out of the sun...


Does all this sound cheesy?   Over the top?   Well it's only that I have sunk to the lowest low and now I breathe clean air and walk the mountain path and brush cool, damp fern leaves across my hand...  I am free.  I am Jaye.  I am happy.