My long awaited second appointment at Charing Cross is just round the corner now (20th May). I am getting a bit nervous because I'm just expecting something horrible to happen - like having to wait another year before anything happens...
Still, I should be able to get a report or letter from them to apply for my GRC in July - not sure how that bit works yet. Becca asked how I'd cope if they said I've not done enough yet, but I think that's pretty unlikely. I've basically been transitioning in every way I can all by myself, without their support - I'm sure that will count for a lot.
If I can get this far by sheer willpower imagine how much I can do with legal and hormonal backing !!
I am feeling more confident - I've definitely had entire days of being out and about without feeling that anyone is staring or laughing at me. Maybe I'm just not so edgy about it and am not noticing so much.
I can imagine a time at which I am completely at ease - but even then a certain amount of damage has been done and that will take some getting over. What I mean is, even if I'm not getting any hassle I am still waiting for it.
When I hear people laughing on the street I wince every time, I'm always certain it's me. It sounds paranoid maybe - if it does sound paranoid you're not understanding the amount I have been laughed at. So much, every day - so many times you must get hard to it, but it's the accumulation of scar tissue that makes you tough.
Poor me. Not really - it's just a fact, people laugh at me. They probably always will, but hopefully not as much. And hopefully my extra-sensitive skin will heal over. If you'd been there you'd be red raw too - believe me.
Anyway, this is no time for self pity - I actually feel pretty good. The fear I used to feel is falling away. I still do the same things but walking out of the front door used to require a certain amount of strength - now I just open the door and I'm on my way.
And if someone laughs on the street, hey, maybe they just heard a good joke...
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