work...

I was thinking about my journey in terms of work.  It makes me smile now to think how things used to be.


In my first job when I left university I worked with people with learning disabilities.  I expressed my gender identity through the radical step of wearing pink nail varnish.  I was told not to because it might upset some of the parents. My boss at the time said to me that if I was a nudist I wouldn't go around nude at work and it was the same with this.


When I got another job at Maidstone Borough Council I went and bought a suit from a charity shop - there was no way I was going to pay a lot of money for such an unsavoury item.  I wore that suit pretty much every day for about a year.  What a horrible thing to have to do - for me.  No wonder I used to be drunk most of the time.  Eventually the trousers wore out - as Becca pointed out when she saw the little white flowers on my knickers as I went upstairs.  
I always wore girl underwear at least...!


I bought another suit - with a waistcoat... ooh very flash.  I used to think I'd just wear a suit at work and dress how I wanted outside - that shouldn't be so difficult to do.  It seemed necessary seeing as I was told I'd be sent home if I came to work wearing a skirt.


In 2005 I had the first of the two 'I can't take this any more' moments of my life.  That time it was wearing men's clothes - the second time it was being a man at all.  So I decided to stop wearing them altogether - my plan being to subtly introduce girly clothes over time so no one would really notice.


It was summer, I remember, so the first day I wore a man's shirt untucked with the usual trousers, no tie, and flip flops.   Probably I had toenails painted in clear nail varnish and maybe a little bit of makeup.  At the time it seemed enormously radical and there was some comment about it - some raised eyebrows.   


Gradually I wore more girly tops and trousers and a bit more make up.  Some people misunderstood the change of direction and I had comments like 'you look like you've been to a jumble sale' - because I think they could handle it  being informal rather than girly, you know?


I had a pair of boots with a small heel - I wore them and people were actually bought over to see such a bizarre thing.  It was that novel.  Look, look at what Jay is wearing  (I hadn't adopted the 'e' at the end of my name at that stage).


Eventually, after about a year, a decided to take the plunge and wear a skirt to work.  It was the elephant in the room - I'd gone so far, surely it was stupid not to do it.  


Now I can see looking back times when I've been scared and brave - times I'm proud of.  I think I've been brave more times than I've backed away - I'd like to think so...   That day when I first wore a skirt to work was probably the bravest I have ever been and I am fiercely proud of it.  Because I know how scared I was.


When I got to work I ducked straight into the loo (still the GENTS loo at that stage!) and hid in the cubicle.  I was nearly puking with fear - it was awful.  Every fibre of my being didn't want to go into that office but I fucking did it.


And it was fine.


After that I wore whatever I wanted really.  It was funny how people thought it acceptable to criticise what I wore or offer their unasked for opinions in the rudest way.  Like I'd get ' now I wouldn't have worn that skirt with those shoes' or whatever.


Maybe I did make some fashion mistakes because of my naivety - I don't think I wore anything mad but it was a steep learning curve.  It's no excuse for rudeness.


I think it was strange so people kind of forgot the usual 'rules' of conduct.  And I seemed to be putting myself out there by being openly eccentric or weird - I was asking for a comment.  Maybe they even felt it was rude to NOT say something or offer an opinion.


None of this happens now at work - so I can see that it wasn't normal.  But then it wasn't a normal situation.  It's funny though that after all that some people I work with were utterly amazed when I announced my intention to transition fully.  For fucks sake - what did they think the skirts and makeup and heels were all about?????   I think they thought it was funny old Jay(e) being crazy.  When actually it was funny old Jaye just trying to be normal.


Now it's good though - apart from a couple of people who won't look me in the eye, but they are outnumbered by loads of wonderful, supportive, lovely, glorious people.


I've got to where I am now because I was brave, sure, but I couldn't have been brave without my angels.  Not the heavenly kind - just the kind who work for Maidstone Borough Council ... they'll do for me.