Freddie's Dad

Ten years ago, when Becca said that she really wanted to have a baby, one of my first thoughts was if it was fair.  On the baby I mean.  Even back then I knew that things were going to get complicated for me, and I just wondered if someone like me should be a parent.   You know - someone 'different' ?


Anyway, we decided to go for it and Freddie was born on the 10th January 2001.


Becca had to have an emergency caesarean so she was still out of it when they came and gave Freddie to me. I can't say I was filled with the wonderful awestruck feelings of parenthood, fatherhood, or anything else - I was just a bit stunned that yes, it was real, it had actually happened.  And I was just massively aware of my own ignorance about how to look after a baby.


Turns out that was no problem - I think it's actually better to approach the whole thing with no pre-conceived ideas (no pun intended) and me and Becca did just fine, I think.  Sure Freddie rolled off the coffee table on my watch but he was OK - babies are quite bouncy.


But was it fair?  I knew he'd get into problems at school because of me - your dad is a girl, yada yada...


Actually that hasn't really happened... yet.  There's been a few things, questions, but Freddie is very popular with lots of friends so it seems to be OK.  We'll keep an eye on it.


I'm sure there will be problems one day - we'll just stand together as a family and shout about it.  Because that's what all bullies hate - when you make a noise.


Where we are at now :  Freddie sees me as liking 'girl stuff' and wanting to be a girl.  He has said 'I wish you liked boy stuff' - of course he has.  And he's said he wished I wasn't like this - of course he has said that too.


But me and him are close, really close.  I've always been there from day one when they first gave him to me, me and Becca have always been equal parents in terms of giving him attention - and when Freddie is scared in the night he shouts 'Daddy'.


We tried to think of other things for him to call me because people stare at us when we're out.  I tried to discourage him from calling me that and get him to call me 'jaye' or 'mum' or something.


But recently I've realised that whatever happens to me in the future I AM Freddie's DAD and I've always been that.  I always will be.  And I'm proud of that fact and I don't want that to change.  So I'm not going to ask him to not call me Dad any more. 


When he remembers he says 'she' and 'her' when talking about me - so it's 'what shall I get Dad for her birthday?'... if people can't handle that contradiction that's their problem.  I don't even see the contradiction.  I am his Dad, I was obviously a boy when he was born, now I'm a girl.  I changed - but I'm still his Dad.  It's not that complicated.


Anyway, this morning he gave me a father's day card he made - there's a picture of it above.  That tells me everything I need to know.


Also today we kicked a ball around.  I do that - just like other Dad's.  But unlike them I do it with a long skirt hiked up and ballet flats that go flying in the air when I kick the ball.   And when that happened Freddie just laughed and laughed...