Insecurity ...

I don't actually know who Beth Moore is, or what she has to say about insecurity.  Probably something about discovering the power inside or being true to yourself.


I've been thinking about female insecurity - it's weird isn't it?  It's obviously appearance based and mostly to do with weight.  I don't think it's anything to do with vanity - to me it feels more like a desire to please and be loved.


So where does it come from ?


I think what I said before about a desire to please is important.  But then I suppose there's an element of competition, just as there is in all areas of life. This is where I am possibly lucky, because I am kind of exempt from the competition - I don't think any women look at me as competition because I used to be male and am therefore not in the running.  I'm not really expected to look gorgeous.  I am bound to look odd.


Do I sound a bit insecure?


It's a different insecurity from 'regular' female insecurity - I think.  I am honestly not sure if it's better or worse.  I have known lots of beautiful girls who are convinced they are hideously ugly - so what good does the beauty do them?   None really - and yet I can't help feeling it would be better to be beautiful and think you're ugly then be ugly and think you're beautiful.


A paradox.


I suppose we all find it rather hard to believe that those girls really DO think they are ugly.  We think they are just being falsely modest.


I know the feeling of insecurity now anyway - even if it's a modified kind.  I am tall and skinny - and sometimes I am insecure about that, although on the whole I use it psychologically to my advantage.


I try to think :  'most women want to be tall and skinny - and I am.  So why should I feel down about myself?'


But then we get to the face.  I think my face is hard and angular and pointy - and worst of all male looking.  I don't think I look like a woman, not enough anyway.  Maybe I look androgynous.


As my hormone treatment progresses my face should become more girly and soft because of fat redistribution but that won't help the nose.  Women usually have a smaller nose - in pictures of trannies or transgenders it's actually the nose that 'gives them away' more than anything, I think.


Still, I have found a reasonable proficiency with makeup and decent hair helps hugely.  I often use eyeliner 'flicks' because it pretties your face up instantly.  Decent hair... and OWN hair is a bonus.  Loads of trans-women are forced to resort to wigs because their hair isn't up to it.  I am pretty lucky there.


See me analysing my appearance...   am I so different from any other woman?


Nah.


I could give you a raft of sociological theories about why women feel the way they do - but really, at the end of the day, would it make me - or you - feel any differently when we stand in front of the mirror?


Or in front of the camera perhaps more importantly.  Because the mirror I can control pretty well - the camera has it's own ideas about what I look like... and I definitely don't agree with it's opinions...