I'm in a rock and roll band...

I've been watching the 'I'm in a rock and roll band' programmes with great interest - as I always do anything about forming and being in bands.  That's because it's been a big part of my life and I recognise the templates of egos, bust-ups and glories presented by films like 'The Doors' and 'The Commitments'.


Our band came together when we were at school and used to bunk off to play guitars up in the music block.  In those days that sort of thing wasn't encouraged - there was a Dr Strangelove element of 'you can't play music in here, this is the music block'.


Nevertheless we used to play on our cheap guitars and second hand amps - actually through large tape recorders at first, learning quickly.


I was attracted to it because I felt like an outsider and bands promise outsiders a way in.  I was never very popular at school but once I got hold of a guitar I found something I could just do - and do very well.  In fact I had a natural talent for it - I literally went from unable to play to being the best guitarist in the school in a matter of months.


And for an unpopular weird kid this was quite a turnaround...


We grew in confidence and all of us got better and better - until we all bought an equal contribution, an important element in keeping a band together, I think.


Of course my history with music has always been complicated because the whole time I was posturing on stage in a probably rather macho way I was covering up the fact that really I just wanted to be a girl.


So, I would be the one most likely to leave the band when the inner conflict got too much.  Then I would miss it - and my friends - and crawl back in again.


I remember one time going to see them play when I wasn't in the band and crying for hours afterwards - about missing them and also about the gender thing all wrapped into one - it was a weird, inarticulate howl.


But there's an important thing in there - that through playing I have been able to express the frustrations I've felt.  So playing guitar and my feelings about my gender have been part of the same deal.


Now the band is still officially going but we're finding it hard to meet up and play because everyone is busy with their own thing.


For my part I feel like I don't need that persona any more to be honest - I am so delighted to have found the truth of what I am and want to be.  Yes, I could never play guitar in front of anyone again.


BUT I'm not going to leave the band and I hope it keeps going in some form.  Because I do like playing the music and, most importantly of all, being with my friends who are my family now.  We've been through so much together and I really love them.


So we'll see.  In the meantime the hard skin on my fingers is softening up from lack of playing guitar and I'm thinking I might be able to get my nails done.


There's a transgressive, deep, truthful joy in not having to be in a rock and roll band after all these years.  But there's also a lot of love there and I won't be throwing that away...